Interns

Calling all graduates!! Do you want to work for a hot new player in digital media? Feel the need to add the final piece of the puzzle to the veritable mosaic that is your CV? This job could be for you!

Here at Hot Rant we have decided that we need an intern.

We have so little to do it seems almost vulgar not to go the whole hog and make an intern do it. We have no office so you will have to be a self-motivated, self-financing, self-starting, selfless pushover.

Duties will include:

• Presenting yourself at you computer at 9am sharp every day (including weekends) in full Morning Dress.


• Spending the next two hours in eager anticipation.


• At approximately 11am, once we are thoroughly fed up with your grovelling emails entitled "does anyone need a hand with anything?" we will proceed to find you some completely superfluous database updating work. This may include:


1. Spamming Charlie Brooker with pleading emails every thirty seconds for the rest of the day requesting that he looks at Hot Rant and mentions it in his Guardian column. Should he ask you to stop you must re-write the email in caps lock, up the font size by a factor of 10 and send every 15 seconds


2. Copying out by hand the contact details from a 1000 entry long excel spreadsheet and sending them by post to Tom Howells (he does not like to look at long documents on his screen and his printer is broken)


3. Something else totally pointless and unimaginably time consuming


• Every time you walk past your own kitchen you must make 10 cups of tea or coffee, in constantly changing variations. E-mail us what you have made and how many have milk / sugar and we will reply something along the lines of: "I actually wanted a tea with half a demerara sugar cube, three quarters of a spoonful of sweetner and 0.25ml of milk." You must then remake all beverages.
  

The ideal candidate will have two years experience of office admin including at least six months of only pushing letters through a franking machine. You must have a typing speed faster than it is physically possible to read, have an M.Phil. in Environmental Design in Architecture and, of course, A level Mathematics. This is a full time, three year internship. The position is unpaid, but we will supply expenses for the successful candidate who does not spend any money on traveling to work or on their luncheon.

The successful candidate will be heavily remunerated, in praise ("Great coffee!") and will receive stunning references ("he was completely ethereal") for a cv that no one will bother reading anyway. Please send your covering letter; cv; references; copies of your degree, A-level and GCSE certificates; a note from your mum; your family tree dating back to at least the 5th century BC; a digital recording of your first word; and a baby picture of you dressed as a lobster to hotrant@gmail.com. FC