Afternoon rageaholics. Part two of our series concerning species of animals that should just stop it concerns that traditional eight legged bugbear, the Spider. I hate them, you hate them, the Pope hates them, Gadaffi probably LOVES them. Whatever, as living creatures they suck it hard. Even more so than crabs (that is a big one to come in a few weeks), they appear to have been designed by some mischevious deital hand more interested in pissing people off with miniature free-roaming monster beasts than creating useful beings like Labrador Retrievers and the cutesy lizards you always see on holiday in the Med. I once had one so large and hairy in my family home that I had to call down a friend on leave from the army, and even he didn't know what to do with it. Luckily for both of us (and the pair of over-excited young ladies we were protecting from a most heinous threat of repulsion), we managed to swiftly sweep it from the wall with a rolled up copy of the Guardian, whereupon the faithful family Labrador (as if my earlier point of their brilliantine existence needed proving) devoured the hellspawn bastard in seconds. Disgusting to behold, yes, but also strangely satisfying. Good work, Sweep.
This rant, though, looks to take our understanding of the need to destroy arachnids one step further, with a few examples of heightened horrors our arachnid nemesi can perpetrate. To the southern hemisphere we depart.
Firstly, and with the least proof as I DEFINITELY SAW THIS ON THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL but can't for the life of me find anything on Google apart from 50's horror films, there is an island in the Pacific, a bit Papillon but for all that is good and pure in the world, called Spider Island. This small land mass is, as one might guess, literally covered in the diabolical fiends. And I mean truly covered. It is said that one tree can hold over a thousand species of spider. Just thinking about this makes me feel quite wretched. How they got there, nobody knows. Why local armed forces dont bomb the life out the place, no on can quite understand. Thousands of miles away or not, I would happily see my tax money go on destroying it.
Next, to Papua New Guinea, the deadly land of Raskols, murderous gang rapes, witch burnings, cannibal tribes and unmapped jungle. "Jesus god, if only they did a 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Or I Will Literally Be Dead By Sundown' here" one might exclaim. Add a new scourge to this list. Not one, not ten, but FIFTY BRAND NEW SPECIES OF JUMPING SPIDER. Why is there even one kind of jumping spider! JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? I truly, truly feel for the poor intern who was baited up to discover this, presuming that something has to be leapt upon to discern all this.
Finally, and most skin-crawlingly of all, I must direct your attention to a recent story run in the Times of London concerning an unfortunate Outback Australian town overrun by killer Tarantulas. The more biologically aware of you may already be privy to the fact that these hairy rogues are not, despite their appalling appearance, particularly dangerous. And whilst these infiltrators couldn't kill a grown human, they will annihilate a dog in one bite and make a child very queasy. "Okay," I hear you all murmur "That is all fine and good, but why has this example been granted the apex of such a learned discussion?". Because, dear reader, of one salient fact. One even worse than the fact that these stinkers are huge and almost certainly disparaging of Holy faiths. Or that they had the terrible uncouth manners and initiative to invade a poor, defenseless outback hamlet. No, the key reason they need a good, hard nuking is because when aggressed they hiss and BARK. LIKE CERBERUS. I can barely even think about it. The image of a leviathon arachnid baring it's fangs and barking is just too foul to contemplate. If everyone is getting a bit perturbed over the madman Kim Jong-Il's love affair with living in a dream world and manufacturing nuclear weapons, they should just kill two birds (or a million spiders) with one warhead and appease him by allowing a free reign on nuking the crap out of this town. It'd be great. Like the best film ever. Arachnophobia crossed with Star Wars. He loves Hollywood blockbusters, we hate spiders. TH
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