Question:
Why is Bear Grylls a wanker?
Answer:
First of all his name is actually Edward Michael Grylls. Surely anyone who changes their name to “Bear” is a wanker. Almost as big a wanker as the late Conservative politician, Sir Michael Grylls, Bear’s father who was knighted in 1992, having lied two years earlier to the committee on members’ interests on the number and amounts of Ian Greer’s payments to him during the Cash for Questions scandal. Interestingly Michael Grylls managed to avoid notoriety unlike former Tory trade minister Neil Hamilton, who married Grylls’ secretary, Christine…
But I digress…
Recently aired on Channel 4 were repeats of Born Survivor.
Born Survivor saw Bear wandering around what may as well be Epping Forest, looking for discarded sandwiches to stave off the hunger when one of the 4-man camera team he travels with thought, for realism’s sake, not to invite him to dinner at the hotel the crew are staying at. Whilst you and I, and hopefully everyone else must realise that the locations are no more exotic than Windsor Great Park, we’re led to believe that Bear instead braves the Alps one week, and the fjords the next.
One particular episode of this insult to Ray Mears’ hallowed name sees Bear stalking purposefully through the swamps of the Everglades in Florida. Completely isolated in this most dangerous of habitats (bar of course the camera crew and rescue team hovering overhead in the Lynx) he’s forced to confront the local fauna by engaging in hand-to-hand combat with, er, some minnows, a handful of grubs, a baby frog and a turtle that looks uncannily like Dan Akroyd’s face in Coneheads.
The camera never actually shows anything that might qualify as a dangerous creature but Bear, not worried by this lack of drama, decides to add some of his own – by shimmying up a tree when he sees in the distance... bubbles. That’s right. Bubbles. He and the crew then turn tail and run/splash/trip in a most undignified manner, to the sound of Bear screeching “we’re too close! We’re too close!” To what Bear? A flatulent beaver?
When it comes to survival techniques, however, Bear is highly accomplished. “Lost” in this most forbidding of terrain, he needs to find higher ground. But fear not! Bear has a solution! He ties his shoelaces together and shins up a tree with all the charm and grace of Gordon Brown smiling on Youtube. “I’ll be able to get a glimpse of some pine trees,” he tells us, which is good “because they grow on dry ground”. He gets to the top, and shins back dejected. “I couldn’t see any” Oh, right.
Bear is a man who appears to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders as his furrowed expression shows us. He is clearly in danger every time he hears the breeze rustling through the trees, something he learned during his years at Eton. “The swamps are so forbidding. Anything could be lurking in the water”, he tells us, wading past some crisp packets and a shopping trolley.
Seeing the crisp packets has obviously made Bear hungry. The Everglades episode shows Bear taking a knife to a turtle and appearing subsequently with his T-shirt drenched in the unfortunate reptile’s blood. Later in the series we are blessed with an image of Bear snaking through a field of long grass (I believe they’re in Shrivenham) with a stick. Suddenly he jumps up letting loose a blood curdling scream as he hurls said stick ’somewhere’ into the grass from no less than 3 different camera angles. He dives in like a bored dog after his stick, presumably trying to alleviate himself from the mind crushing dullness that programming like this propagates, subsequently emerging with what can only be described as the still body of a young Elk, which our intrepid explorer promptly begins to hack at with that bit on a Swiss army knife for getting stones out of horses’ hooves…
Thankyou for the magic Mr Grylls.
But wait. Bear, old boy, I do believe you’ve led us astray! Although the title of your laudably egotistical programme is in fact “Bear Grylls: Born Survivor” one must look at the credits for a further insight into the production of this sham of a mockery of a mockery of a sham. My thanks instead should be directed to Kris Thoemke who is honoured on the credits as “Survival Expert” with Bear down only as “Presenter”…
Clown. Fish Stock
9 comments:
Sir.
I kneel before you.
I bow under the 'Fortes'itude of your prose. Sorry fortitude....
Dear “person”, I write this in response in disgust to your rant posted here regarding the complete and utterly distasteful manner and way in which you completely smeared Bear Grylls’ reputation.
I know not the history of his father and don’t know why you added it in seeing as how it has absolutely nothing to do with your main argument, but that’s irrelevant. You say that Bear Grylls is a “wanker”, seriously? Do you know anything about his personal life outside of television? Or how he got the nickname in the first place? Let’s start with “Bear”, he didn’t invent it, his sister used to call him it back home when he was younger as did his fellow classmates along with “monkey” unless Bear Grylls is lying in his autobiography it was because he loved climbing things for the hell of it. I can identify with this sort of behavior as from a very young age, I have always loved climbing to the tops of things, whether they be trees, walls small rock walls, grass mounds etc. Also can I ask you do you or your friends who run this website enjoy watching films? Because I can tell you now there are COUNTLESS actors who change their names to fit their roles so they get more work, do you like Die Hard films? Yes? Well guess what asshole, his real name is Walter Willis, look up Sigourney Weaver or Michael Caine or Nicolas Cage, the fecking list goes on. Bear Grylls has earned his title as from all of his feats. He was the youngest man to climb Mount Everest at one time at the age of 24.
Let me also say as well before you make a claim that he’s a “wanker” look up his charity work, and donations because you will see that compared to him, we have done sweet all, this is a URL address for a website that should shine some light into your empty head, http://www.looktothestars.org/celebrity/bear-grylls
His show contained reliable directions on how to construct shelters, rafts, signal fires, normal fires, he brings with him onto the show a vast knowledge of information on animals plants and scenery, which allow him to make use of them through techniques both learned and recognized and also improvised. He shows us how to hunt on and off land. He shows us simple ways of maintaining a constant internal environment crucial to survival in the wild and demonstrates how being very observant can lead to survival and rescue.
By the way I’m not saying that the show is without flaws, Bear has even accepted and admitted on talk shows that he has stayed in hotels whilst shooting his show. It’s old news, he has been criticized for it, the show has been criticized for it, and they have taken steps to make clearer to the viewers what is happening. To be fair anyone who has watched the show has noticed that at the end he conveniently is picked up or rescued, but at the same time that’s beside the point, he still shows us how to get by in tough climates and environments, as the comment before mine clearly stated, he was trained in the SAS, things Bear Grylls does reflects on his intense training. Obviously nobody can say for certain that everything in his show is true and naturally formed, but those of us who carry with us rationality and neutral perspective can see that the majority of what occurs in his shows cannot possibly be false. It’s just a sad fact to accept that there are always going to be people who either from jealousy or boredom are going to criticize those who have found success, people who will throw their rocks at a large pile in the hopes it will come crashing down to their level.
To end this, I shall say that it seems from reading your article that you have a very limited knowledge of Bear Grylls and you should watch more of the episodes and do some research before you write such a text. I stumbled onto this website whilst trying to find out whether or not Bear had been knighted for all his inspiring feats only to find witless worm denouncing Bears’ name with minimal articulation and poorly defended sweeping statements. Rant over. R.M.
Bear is a wanker!
Watch his shows in slow mo, check the times on his watch, check which arm his watch is on, even have a look at what he is wearing, it changes from scene to scene.
Hollywood garbage.
Just another washed up SAS soldier, highly trained and now struggling to know what to do with all that knowledge.
Bellend
Bear Grylls is a fucking Walter Mitty.
He was briefly in the the Territorial SAS. This is completely and utterly different from the regular SAS: the TA SAS are a bunch of part-time fantasists (I know this for a fact - I have met enough of the idiots). Their selection is joke and is completely different from the 'real' SAS, who treat these losers as a laughing stock.
Yet this dickhead continuously goes on about when he was 'in the SAS' - he really should qualify this by saying, loudly and clearly, every time he mentions it, that he was actually in the TA - which is roughly the equivalent of the Army Cadets (but for sad train-spotting type fuckers who were not allowed to remain in that children's outfit because their balls have dropped).
If you wanted to be a soldier, Bear, you should have gone and joined the real Army - how the fuck can you call yourself 'Special Forces' after a few weekends of camping in the woods, straight out of civvy street???!!!
If you want to see the bloke that Bear Grylls is pretending to be, check out an ex-SAS survival expert called John 'Lofty' Wiseman:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4JP-JIYH6Q
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Bear wasn't even used as a TA SAS. It's not even full selection times are longer and less weight shorter routes. Bear broke is back had nothing to do with the army private company he jumped with.
Thanks your obviously none military
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