A watershed fortnight for twats across the country.

Due to time-consuming work commitments, and a burgeoning, yet thoroughly impotent, rage directed at so many things all at once, this will read as a rant in its purest sense: forget rationality or cohesion of argument. Any correct grammar can be taken as a bonus.


If you are a twat, then this has surely been a watershed couple of weeks for you.

Firstly, poetry twats countrywide could revel in the pointless non-story about some sad old jackass (who may or may not have starred alongside a blooming Max Branning in a 1989 Yellow Pages ad) who initiated a smear campaign against another poet. Guys, calm down - this is poetry. Nobody cares. TWATS.

Then came the dawn of yet another series of the interminable Big Brother - a veritable haven for twats and twat-lovers alike. And the first eviction is always the worst, because the preening nonce that gets the chop always says something along the lines of "I didn't want to win. I came here for the experience" - BOLLOCKS! YOU'RE LYING! YOU TWAT!

Real twats will enjoy the news of the BNP's ascension to claiming two MEP seats in the European elections. Political analysis or debate is not necessary here: the BNP are a racist, thick organisation. And their success here may ultimately be a blessing in disguise, because, with the bigger stage afforded them, they should now have to face more rigorous policy questioning, to which they will have no answers. Because they are TWATS. Just look at this TWAT's face. I wish he'd been strangled at birth. And then ground up like shitty pepper.

And when we thought there might a nationwide drying up of twats, along comes another. Bob Crow of RMT, with his ridiculous tube-striking antics. Doctors, nurses and teachers who earn far less than your salary are obstructed from doing their day's work because you want more than your 30k (min) salary, and a ban on future redundancies, in the time of a recession. TWAT TWAT TWAT.

At this moment in time, it might be nice of me to introduce some light and shade into the article, and suggest that, in the grand scheme of things, what with the reawakening of the nuclear threat, the AIDS crisis, predicted record levels of unemployment for this year's graduate students, this doesn't really matter too much.

But I'm not. Bob Crow - you are a selfish, bullying twat. Fuck off. I hate you and your childish strike. TWAT.

With this is mind, there is literally no better time to introduce/remind the reader of the majestic 'London Underground Song' by Adam Kay and Suman Biswas (...me neither)

Enjoy AC