Animals That Should Get Extinct, Part 2: Spiders That Jump And Bark

Afternoon rageaholics. Part two of our series concerning species of animals that should just stop it concerns that traditional eight legged bugbear, the Spider. I hate them, you hate them, the Pope hates them, Gadaffi probably LOVES them. Whatever, as living creatures they suck it hard. Even more so than crabs (that is a big one to come in a few weeks), they appear to have been designed by some mischevious deital hand more interested in pissing people off with miniature free-roaming monster beasts than creating useful beings like Labrador Retrievers and the cutesy lizards you always see on holiday in the Med. I once had one so large and hairy in my family home that I had to call down a friend on leave from the army, and even he didn't know what to do with it. Luckily for both of us (and the pair of over-excited young ladies we were protecting from a most heinous threat of repulsion), we managed to swiftly sweep it from the wall with a rolled up copy of the Guardian, whereupon the faithful family Labrador (as if my earlier point of their brilliantine existence needed proving) devoured the hellspawn bastard in seconds. Disgusting to behold, yes, but also strangely satisfying. Good work, Sweep.
This rant, though, looks to take our understanding of the need to destroy arachnids one step further, with a few examples of heightened horrors our arachnid nemesi can perpetrate. To the southern hemisphere we depart.

Firstly, and with the least proof as I DEFINITELY SAW THIS ON THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL but can't for the life of me find anything on Google apart from 50's horror films, there is an island in the Pacific, a bit Papillon but for all that is good and pure in the world, called Spider Island. This small land mass is, as one might guess, literally covered in the diabolical fiends. And I mean truly covered. It is said that one tree can hold over a thousand species of spider. Just thinking about this makes me feel quite wretched. How they got there, nobody knows. Why local armed forces dont bomb the life out the place, no on can quite understand. Thousands of miles away or not, I would happily see my tax money go on destroying it.
Next, to Papua New Guinea, the deadly land of Raskols, murderous gang rapes, witch burnings, cannibal tribes and unmapped jungle. "Jesus god, if only they did a 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Or I Will Literally Be Dead By Sundown' here" one might exclaim. Add a new scourge to this list. Not one, not ten, but FIFTY BRAND NEW SPECIES OF JUMPING SPIDER. Why is there even one kind of jumping spider! JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? I truly, truly feel for the poor intern who was baited up to discover this, presuming that something has to be leapt upon to discern all this.

Finally, and most skin-crawlingly of all, I must direct your attention to a recent story run in the Times of London concerning an unfortunate Outback Australian town overrun by killer Tarantulas. The more biologically aware of you may already be privy to the fact that these hairy rogues are not, despite their appalling appearance, particularly dangerous. And whilst these infiltrators couldn't kill a grown human, they will annihilate a dog in one bite and make a child very queasy. "Okay," I hear you all murmur "That is all fine and good, but why has this example been granted the apex of such a learned discussion?". Because, dear reader, of one salient fact. One even worse than the fact that these stinkers are huge and almost certainly disparaging of Holy faiths. Or that they had the terrible uncouth manners and initiative to invade a poor, defenseless outback hamlet. No, the key reason they need a good, hard nuking is because when aggressed they hiss and BARK. LIKE CERBERUS. I can barely even think about it. The image of a leviathon arachnid baring it's fangs and barking is just too foul to contemplate. If everyone is getting a bit perturbed over the madman Kim Jong-Il's love affair with living in a dream world and manufacturing nuclear weapons, they should just kill two birds (or a million spiders) with one warhead and appease him by allowing a free reign on nuking the crap out of this town. It'd be great. Like the best film ever. Arachnophobia crossed with Star Wars. He loves Hollywood blockbusters, we hate spiders. TH

Points based immigration system

Sometimes I get so angry about stuff I find it physically impossible to express myself coherently. The red mist comes down and I just blurt out unconnected swear words like some kind of Norse Berseker in the heat of battle. Or maybe more like a middle class, 23 year old Berseker, living at home, who's actually swearing at a newspaper in the comfort of his own kitchen. Slightly embarrassed by the presence of his parents. Nonetheless I had one of those moments yesterday as I read a story about our new points based immigration system in the Times. Full article HERE.

Following in the rich tradition of the government making laws that end up criminalising or discriminating against a huge majority of innocent people, in various misguided attempts to catch or stop people whose media-hyped threat to society has been exaggerated beyond any reasonable level, they have engineered an immigration system that stops artists and academics from coming to this country to perform or lecture. Amongst other outrages detailed in the article, the Ballet Russe in Swansea faces closure because their Russian dancers can't get visas. The director claims that:

"The authorities raised endless problems ranging from whether or not the concept of “Russian Classical Ballet” even existed, to suggestions that we should advertise the “vacancies” in a national newspaper"

Advertise in a national newspaper? It's the Ballet Russe you Fokin & Gorsky denying ignoramuses. On a more personal note, even before these new unfair stringent measures, Dan Deacon was stopped from entering the country to perform at Field Day. He was literally the only reason I bought tickets. I had to endure one of the most depressing days ever, including: crap bands, rain, massive queues for the toilet, and beer I could not afford, all the while trying not to cry in front of my girlfriend because I was so sad about missing Dan Deacon. And why? Because our border authority thought it would be dangerous to let this man in the country:



Look at him, he's like an overgrown blind baby tramp with a bald head and a beard. By definition: harmless.

Admittedly there have been some successes: Allisson Crowe, the aurally challenging, female version of Daniel Powter, was banned from entering the UK. But even she didn't deserve to be detained, have her passport stamped 'barred from entry' and then deported all because she lacked a letter of sponsorship. Especially when they have repeatedly allowed fellow Canadian Alanis Morrissette in the country despite various please from yours truly.

Another Canadian, this time a journalist, was also threatened with deportation to Morrocco before eventually being returned to Canada. What's the big deal with Canadians? Are we living in some kind of real life verison of South Park? Actually our lawmakers could probably do with sitting down and watching the South Park movie; seeing as it demonstrates the disastrous consequences of governments acting solely on the basis of reactionary popular outrage and news coverage. I do feel that sometimes, amongst all the simplistic, illogical and baseless cries of 'Britain is full', people need reminding that IMMIGRATION IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING. FC

I see your true colours shining through. I see your true colours, and that's why I love etc...

Richard Keys, the poster boy for even-tempered, corporate, football-presenting square-heads with jaw-droppingly hairy hands worldwide momentarily loses his cool in a comically sarky manner. Enjoy.

"Yeah see ya. Daft little ground. Silly game. Fuck off."

P.S. I have made this better for myself by imagining that at 0:16, Keys goes on a silent offensive overdrive, including liberal use of the c-word

And does he, at one point, really say "Nae promos", in a cod-Scottish manner? AC

Phoenix- 1901

This is not a post of rage, or bitter cynicism. It is a declaration of confusion.
As stated in my Jordy post all those moons ago, I like French new-popsters Phoenix an awful lot. It's Never Been Like That was a fine, fine album. Take that, cut the weaker tracks, up the anthemic appeal of its best tracks (Consolation Prizes and the title track particularly), squeeze in a bit more synth, times by eleven, and what do you get? Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, the band's damn near faultless uber-recent record. "STOP YOUR FAWNING!" i hear you yell. The point i am coming to is that the album's first single, 1901, is causing me actual disorientation due to it's sheer, unrelenting brilliance. To the point where i have stopped working to write this as i can't think about anything else. It's like a goddamn work of art. A good one. Like a Reubens. It's perfectly executed and completely thrilling. Not quite as full of sex and violence as a Reubens of course (it's French soft rock after all) but that's just the first thing that came to mind. The chord change in the bridge is just one of the finest things ever to grace my young ears. The bit where the synth rolls out under it's first repetition. Faultless. And the chorus. And verses. And the grand climax with the lovely delay swathed guitar lines. Good god. Added to the fact that Fleetwood Mac have announced that they are touring with the Rumours lineup in the UK (oh Buckingham...) and I think it's safe to say work is over for the day for lightheaded elation. TH

People who use the phrase "it's a free country"

I'm really a big fan of the whole 'free country' thing. I'm quite proud (hopefully un-jingoistically) of Britain's long history of parliamentary democracy, universal adult suffrage, freedom of speech, freedom of the press; and the unavoidable maxim that an Englishman's home is his castle. I think I'd probably even extend the whole home/castle thing to the Scottish and Welsh, and women too. Gay marriage, schools teaching about homosexuality, the right for absolute lunatics to have stupid protests about religion. I'm all for it.

Obviously being a free country isn't all about gays and religious lunatics. I should probably emphasise that I am making no comparisons between the two. Gays are normal people, religious lunatics are, well, lunatics. But you know, believe in and live in whatever manner you please as long as it doesn't harm other people. So yes, if you want, carry banners around the place proclaiming 'death to all who insult Islam' because that doesn't actually harm people. It just makes you look like a complete simpleton, denouncing freedom of speech using the medium of freedom of speech. It's then the not very taxing job of sensible people to make arguments against the 'kill people for making fun of something' brigade to ensure their continuing unpopularity.

Unfortunately the phrase "it's a free country" is rarely used in a context that comes close to denoting any of the above. It is more readily put to use by people defending what they see as their inalienable right to be an arsehole. So the person playing their music out loud on the bus, the man knocking into the back of your chair in the cafe, or the drunken neanderthal making advances on you girlfriend at the bar, are all likely to use this pathetic defence when asked to stop. Look, my mentally challenged friends, I am now going to instruct you as to why your utterance of this phrase is so monumentally stupid. As a result of us 'living in a free country' I realise that what you are doing is not illegal. On balance it's probably a good thing we don't have laws against prodding the back of someone's chair, intentionally or otherwise. That is precisely why I politely asked you to stop, instead of calling the police.

So bravo idiot, we can agree on this point: no laws have been broken. But let me also remind you that there are no laws against crapping your pants or taking a bath in your own urine. Just because you're allowed to do something doesn't always mean you should. You see we live in this thing called a society, which, these days, tends to involve many people living in rather close proximity to each other. The way we have learnt not to live in a world whereby everyone does as they please - culminating in some kind of terrifying uncivilised, murderous, phone-music-on-bus free for all - is through the acceptance of some common guidelines known as manners. The very 'free country' mantra you so proudly recite like some kind of uncritical four year old, is based on the premise that all humans are able to display a level of empathy towards others and should therefore be granted a level of freedom to do as they please and a right to vote about issues that will affect society. By being an unflinching prick, not only is your 'free country' defence completely out of context, but your actions are undermining the very foundation that it is built on. Dick. FC

David Mitchell on speed cameras

David Mitchell wrote a pretty much flawless article about speed cameras in the Observer a few weeks ago. Including gems such as the following:

"British drivers who think the speed limit is unjust are blessed with a democratic system within which to campaign for its reform. The proper way of going about that is not just breaking the law you don't like and then moaning – that's what the French do."

I'd strongly recommend you follow this link and read the whole thing.

Animals Which Should Get Extinct, Part 1: Domestic Riversystems

I love nature, I really do. Almost nothing makes me happier than wandering the tracks and footpaths of my native Isle of Wight, amid the dusky whispers of the evening breeze and the chill crunch of a walked in Hunter on twigs and moss, spotting our noble friends brock and reynard going about their ancestral ways so blissfully ignorant of the hubbub of our soul-less modern world. Or perhaps the silent kestrel, floating ethereally on the downy winds; maybe the powerful stag beetle, enforcing the laws of the copse unto his quadropoid bretheren. I find it all totally magical.
Which is why, I wonder, the world must also be home to some of the most unspeakably sickening creatures ever to avoid the big chop. Perusing the internet for my daily dose of wildlife anecdotes, I came across the Alligator Snapping Turtle. Regular Snapping Turtles alone are pretty bad. Think of a Tortoise; pretty good, no? They’re slow, sort of chubby, they eat lettuce, and they sit in the front baskets of bicycles in the lanes of Northern France. Snapping Turtles are like the disgraceful working class cousin of the Tortoise. They’re moody, they stink bad, and they bite when aggressed instead of just nobly cowering away like any half sensible humanities undergraduate. For the Alligator Snapping Turtle, times this by about a thousand. There is just no need for them to be alive. They’re massive, can weigh easily over 200 pounds, terrifying looking, and they can kill and eat alligators. A TURTLE EATING AN ALLIGATOR. What else is there to say? They will devour basically anything you put in front of them. This could include a baby, or a priest. They have no qualms about their shocking guzzling, and even have a peculiar red protrudence in their mouths to act as bait for unwary prey. How incredibly cowardly. They will think nothing of comitting the most abhorrent waterway atrocities with their curved bird-like beaks. Once they have their demon spawn (luckily the only reason they venture onto land), they have basically no parental care system, somewhat like their humanoid equivalents again. Oh and they live for around 70 years. THE WORLD HAS CHOSEN THAT THIS MONSTER COULD LIKELY LIVE LONGER THAN ANYONE READING THIS. Horrific.
But perhaps not as bad the Snakehead, or a member of the Channa family of fish. These little bastards are carnivorous and destructive to the eco-systems of waterways they invade. “Surely a human error!” I hear you cry, “Who are these rogues spreading them about the rivers of North America like some kind of conscious nightmare fish epidemic?” Wrong. In their adolescent phase, Snakeheads are obligatory air-breathers. This literally means that they have to breath oxygenated air, and they can survive on land for up to four hours. They can also move about out of the water, and can thus leave their natural habitats to join other natural waterways, potentially infesting and destroying unprepared permacultures. The Sun, that bastion of high journalism, even reckons they can devour people, but they also cover Britain’s Got Talent with more fervour than the North Korean nuclear farce so that’s about that.

Next up: Jumping spiders, barking tarantulas, sea scorpions, and dinosaur sharks. Seriously. Til then wildlife haters! TH