A few pointers for the general public on the bus.

1) When the electronic display (handily placed both upstairs and downstairs so that everybody on the bus can see it) bears the legend: 'bus stopping', this means that the bus is now (or will soon be) stopping. You need not, therefore, repeatedly push the bell once you see the display read 'bus stopping', for the simple reason that the bus cannot be any more stopping than it already is.

2) When you have a conversation on your mobile phone, you need not broadcast the contents of said call to everybody else on the bus. Believe it or not, they might not actually be interested! Furthermore, you need not subscribe to the unwritten rule that the volume of your voice increases exponentially with the inanity of the conversation.

3) In the morning, when you are seated on the top deck of the bus at the back, and you have already flown in the face of traditional notions of personal sound concealant (= headphones), why not try blasting out something relaxing or light-hearted instead of your more outre confection of gabba, bashment, reggaeton or auto-tune daddy Akon? Perhaps Jordy, who is fast becoming a Hot Rant staple.

4) Popular deodorant brands include Sure, Lynx and Right Guard. They can be purchased in all good chemists, supermarkets and even cornershops. The application of said deodorant prior to a bus journey ensures a happier time all round.

5) Not everybody is psychic. If you require the person sitting on your outside to move to allow you to get out, why not ask them nicely! Not everybody interprets a grunting noise and a death-scowl to the back of the head as a request to slide over.

Any top tips on how not to behave on the bus that I have missed are covered in the following seven-minute epic - the 'Stairway to Heaven' of African men arguing on the bus, if you will...



AC