The Scandalous Adventures of Lord Byron - with Rupert Everett

I am currently watching the aforementioned program and will attempt to write a running commentary of lunacy that I am witnessing.

Everett begins by informing us that Byron was a bisexual pervert, who lost his virginity at nine. What is it with literary figures being colossal perverts? As my mind wanders, thinking about James Joyce's scatalogial fetish, I realise that Rupert is now talking to a prostitute in an Albanian restaurant.

Everett: "Who have the biggest penises?"
Hooker: "Probably Brazilians"
Everett: "HIGH FIVE!"

Ok, what the fuck has just happened? He has just high fived a prostitute about Brazilian men having the biggest penises. What does this have to do with Byron?

The show cuts to Everett riding a donkey covered in a massive bear skin. This seems more like it. He is accompanied by a similarly beclad 'Byron expert' and a lone Albanian donkey guide. They arrive at some kind of cottage and Rupert dresses up as Byron: "I look like a twat but I feel like a twat most of the time anyway" Finally some insightful analysis.

The scene cuts again and our two bear skin clad protagonists are surveying an Albanian castle. They walk by a coke machine and the 'expert' chimes in with a rare observation: "Obviously this is not exactly how the castle used to look." He's making his presence felt.

They walk under a decrepit gate covered in plastic bags full of rubbish. The 'expert' stays silent. maybe this is historically correct? Everett is entranced: "Listen you can hear the cattle bells! You could hear people coming for miles!" Presumably only if they are wearing cattle bells. But he's just getting started: "This is just like the Hollywood movies. This huge mammoth bisexual man with fingers covered in jewels fingering our poor lord Byron." He has officially lost me.

After some rather strange scenes, including Everett talking about Madonna on an Albanian chat show and discussing the merits of communism with some tracksuited kids, we find our host on a sail boat. He quotes Byron's quip that the British favor drinking and whoring whilst the Turks prefer sodomy and sherbet. "I'm quite looking forward to sodomy and sherbet. Sorry granny! sorry mum!" While you're at it Rupert you can apologise for the vest you're wearing as well.

Much talk of buggery shops and guys lap dancing follows, along with a genuinely funny quote from Byron which ends with him describing a naked bath attendant as a man who "never hesitates to lie on his back and entertain a man with his arsehole." Everett does not attempt this on camera.

Suddenly Rupert in the British embassy in Turkey. He literally charges straight towards the visitor's book, signs it frantically and then starts commenting on the size of the Queen's breasts. He wanders upstairs. "I think I'm going to have a bubble bath." I am now looking at Rupert Everett doing a strip tease down to his tighty whiteys, about to get in the bath. He's now in the bath. I am lost for words.

Freshly bathed Rupert goes to a diplomatic do and proceeds to tell the sodomy / sherbet anecdote again and again to incredibly lukewarm reactions from Turks and Brits alike.

After presumably being expelled from the embassy he turns his attention to swimming across the Bosphorus. "Better to die doing this than during a facelift." On balance I think he's probably right. He has roped in some poor Turkish boys into doing it with him. He is swimming in just his tighty whities. He gives up half way.

Undaunted by his failure Everett begins to wax lyrical about Byron's trip to Athens. "The idea of arriving in Athens, the centre of ancient Greece must have been like an acid trip." On balance I think this is complete bollocks. Suddenly we are witnessing a puppet show of a man getting raped by his own penis, engineered by genie. This is like a real life version of a film that Ashley wrote with a friend in year nine called Volcanus. I will let him elaborate in the comments if he wants.

Rupert's back on form. He's standing on a balcony, looking at a picturesque monastery. "I can't think of a nicer place for full intercourse to take place. it's absolutely lovely." This was presumably not what the architect had in mind. It must have been tough on the monks.

I think we're nearing the end. We're in an old mansion house with its owner and Everett is doing some investigative reporting.

R: "Do you have any of Byron's pubic hair?"
Owner: "One of my ancestors burnt it."

Safe grandad. I have so many questions now. But mainly THIS ONE.

This is definitely ending now. Rupert informs us that next week he will be "diving to the depths of pussy-hungry depravity." Tune in. I will. FC