"It's time to go to war. That's the reality."

Convinced of the superiority of their craft and the notion that nobody else understands what it means to cook something on time, male celebrity chefs seem to have become trapped in an alternate reality whereby their job is the only one on the face of the earth that involves stress and working to deadlines. A number of them have taken this mistaken ideal as an excuse to act like a complete twat, maybe hoping that their macho posturing will somehow cause the general public to forget that they actually share a career with Delia Smith.

Leading the f-bomb filled charge is of course Gordon Ramsey, but a figure equally deserving of ridicule is Marco Pierre White. With his bandanna tied around his head, he stalks the kitchen, dressed as some type of ninja-Rambo, dealing out pearls of wisdom like an insane Mr Miyagi:


"It's time to go to war. That's the reality. If you're going to lead the troops you've got to lead them from the front. You've got to look like that warrior" - I haven't seen many armies wearing a uniform consisting of a Palestinian scarves and chef's jackets but maybe I'm missing something. The only military figure that Marco even comes close to looking like is a Kamikazee pilot, which mean that the only thing he's leading his men to is suicide. Equally I must have skipped the part of being a bingo caller that involved crucifixion.

How I would love to see Marco in a real combat situation. I can imagine the man going over the top, dressed in his kamikazee chef get-up, screaming commands ineffectually: "Tim you're saying yes but NOTHING IS HAPPENING." "Tim's DEAD Marco." And then inevitably, pinned down in a shell crater, offering his men some final words of consolation: "Worry not sweet shepherds. The bingo caller died for our sins EVERY NIGHT."

Unsurprisingly no one seems to be buying his military madness (except this perceptive drunk lady sitting next to Fern Britton). Instead he is left to offer his poor assistant Nick baffling pieces of advice and to embarrass him in front of the camera. His reaction to Nick's joke below is priceless:


So Marco is likely insane but seriously, when are these chefs going to realise that they're not re-inventing the wheel or actually getting shot at, they don't have peoples lives in their hands. They are just cooking some food, albeit nicely. Calm down. FC