Animals there should be more of - Part 1

A series to run alongside Tom's famous 'Animals that should get extinct' serial. This will not focus on the merits of conservation efforts to save animals there actually should be more of (ie. lions, elephants, dodos etc.) but will rather be a more egotistically centered tirade aimed at animals that I think are cool, and more importantly animals that piss off or harm members of the human race that I do not like.


For example any species that attempts to harm Bear Grylls. Speaking of bears they probably top the list due to their good form in maiming idiots who climb into their enclosures, eating nutters who go and live with them and generally being 'bad ass mudas' who don't take no crap off of nobody. Honourable mentions go out to to tigers, primarily for the on stage mauling of Roy Horn. If you were forced to pose for this photo and had the power to openly savage one of the people involved how long before you cracked? He was asking for it. At least his reconstructive surgery was partially successful. Stingrays probably deserve a mention too. As much as I liked Steve Irwin, at least they went and put themselves on the map with that move. On the flip side, I fully agree with Tom that alligator snapping turtles deserve to go, if only for their inability to defeat a mentally retarded, American version of Steve Irwin.

A recent story to warm the hearts of those who thought that our animal friends had lost their edge was broken on Friday on the BBC. It seems a buzzard in Cornwall has taken a commendable dislike to joggers. At first one might have questioned the buzzards judicial judgment in attacking a man who was simply minding his own business having a run. We all dislike joggers and their smug ability to go running in circles for ages but was resorting to physical violence really necessary? Surely a warning swoop or a well-aimed defecation would have been enough of a warning. These questions seem pertinent until you delve deeper into the article and realise that the man was on holiday and had still gotten up at 9am to go running. The buzzard had indeed conducted a thorough threat assessment: this man is clearly a fanatic and drastic action was needed. Even now he has not been dissuaded from his insulting show of steely determination to engage in one of the boringest activities known to man. So determined is he to make all people who don't get up early every day to run back to where they started feel bad that he has vowed to continue. Thankfully he has admitted that "I decided not to take any chances and invested in a hat." I can't imagine this has done much to discourage the buzzard who must be licking its beak for round two.

In other news jumbo squid have invaded the shores of San Diego. Not only does this appeal to my irrational hatred of people who engage in water sports (ie. surfers) but further credence is added to the jumbo squid's case due to the fact that they seem to be acting like some kind of 1950s gang. Apparently swarms of them have been "roughing up" and "spooking" unsuspecting divers, which sort of makes them sound like some kind of underwater 'West Side Story' gang. They are also deemed to have a sensitive side, with one victim describing their "doleful, expressive eyes". Another witness said that their eyes looked "all-seeing, all-knowing", which raises the question of what the fuck squid can actually know? And, if indeed they are all-knowing, what fucking use does it does them, seeing as they only seem able to swim around pissing off divers. If indeed these all knowing squids have deemed this the meaning of life, then maybe I may become slightly more open towards the idea of religion and a God who is presumably as vindictive and petty as me. FC