Twitter

'Sup reader(s?). Another few months and another vague attempt at contributing to Hot Rant. Still it's not all been quiet since November. In the five months since the last post, Tom and I decided to do something about the abysmal irregularity of our updates. We started a Hot Rant Twitter profile! That's right we joined up to the new (actually quite old) social media phenomenon! I'm not going to lie, we were excited. So excited I just used two exclamation marks. Our e-mail exchange that day was awash with youthful exuberance. Hot Rant was going to get plugged in to the most up to date, hip, news generating, miracle of modern technology. We were going to go global. Micro blogging every hour, spreading impotent rage across continents, global conflict ending because everyone would just become too busy posting their pathetic anger on the internet. That was until it became abundantly clear that Twitter sucked. Bad.

Okay, so faced with this powerful tool for disseminating important news worldwide, we only managed one tweet. About a large rat in China. I still maintain that it was a correct editorial decision to lead off with this. The rat was bloody massive. I've never seen anything like it. But maybe it didn't capture the world's imagination like we anticipated. Nevertheless I stand by the fact that a news story which features a man shouting: "I did it, I caught a rat the size of a cat!" had News at Ten potential. Anyway that's beside the point now. Sometimes the best stories just don't get the coverage.

The real point is how the whole world has decided that 140 character updates directed at everyone you know (and don't) are the future of communication. I logged on today and was confronted by this:

lancearmstrongSitting here with @johanbruyneel at his house. Glass of wine, cheese and crackers. Now going to bed. Night, y'all. http://twitpic.com/2e0z4

First of all I don't know how the hell I ended up internet-knowing Lance Armstrong. Maybe he really likes really big rats. Second, and saddest of all, within seconds of being confronted with the possibility of interacting with a man as interesting as Lance Armstrong, Twitter has already managed to turn it into an unmitigatingly boring and life-sapping experience. To start with, you need to make your mind up Lance. Are you sitting with Johan or are you going to bed? Both cannot be happening at the same time unless you are actually narrating your life, typing in real time on Twitter. I hope you are not. However it would explain why you have included such snooze inducing details in your post. If, after the earth shattering update news, you can summon up the motivation to click on the attached link you will be transported to one of the most insipid pictures in the history of photography. Who is taking the photo? Why is the decor so horrible? And why on earth did you feel the need to share this with me on the internet?

I don't blame Lance (I assume it's ok to be on first name terms now). I blame Twitter. It's that damn 140 character limit which makes everything crap. Even Mr Armstrong talking about his cancer ordeal would be rendered shit and boring on Twitter:

"Sitting here with @testicularcancer in my balls. Glass of Platinol and othr drugs. Cured now. Night, y'all [Insert link to picture of cancer ravaged testicles here]"

Micro-blogging is terrible because, crucially, the minutiae of people's lives is not interesting. Even if you are Lance Armstrong. I'm sick of it.